My Least Favorite Thing about Adulting

In my 21 step journey through ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) I have identified one of my least favorite sayings: “We will allow everyone to take the lead in deciding what the past means for them.”

I believe I have found the right therapist for me at this time. I did an intake with her and it went well. I have become better at taking charge of my story, the tears still flow at certain points but I am becoming more concise in the summary of my trauma. I am being cautiously optimistic, but I am hopeful.

When I addressed this topic I had very few spoons left within a two-day period. If you’re not familiar with spoon theory, it’s the idea that it takes a certain amount of spoons to accomplish tasks for the day. If you use up all your spoons at the beginning of the day, for example, you need to rest the remainder of the day. You may also have other days when you have accomplished all the daily tasks and have leftover spoons, so you can do something fun.

Having very few spoons after therapy intake was difficult. Telling my story has become part of ‘my job’ as a part of my self-advocacy plan. The part of the ASCA script that I quoted at the very beginning of this piece is especially relevant to the rest of this essay. I use it in action often, even though it’s a difficult truth to swallow at times. During intake, I talked about my father’s death in December 2020 and how I was alone in my grief. My half-brother was, I wouldn’t say unaffected, but indifferent, and that’s ok.

My least favorite thing about adulting has to be deciding how to respond to other people’s actions. This means dealing with the effects of their inaction as well. The idea that, in fact, I do control my response to others is important gives me power and this is a part of self-care and self-advocacy. In The same breath, I cannot demand response or reaction specifically catered to my own needs or wants. That’s not how relationships work. I can only express myself honestly. Honest expression and articulation are what give me the power in a conversation. All I can hope for is the same respect and thoughtfulness in return.

There is a part of me that is a people pleaser, it is a part of the C-PTSD symptoms that desperately want people to accept me. It is a part of childhood neglect. It is also a part of me that understands the need for self-care and advocacy because they are not just the keys to surviving but to thriving.

Deciding on response and identifying my emotions are both closely linked and hard to keep apart. Self-care means identifying those parts and expressing them. Self-advocacy means responding in a compact and meaningful way. I wouldn’t say in an unbiased way, but in a way that is logical and understanding that I may have to compromise if it isn’t an emergency situation.

Adulting is also the ability to understand that there are things that I deserve unconditionally. Safety, kindness, rest, health, peace are baseline concepts that are universal. The ability to thrive, to get help when I need it, and freedom from the blame of things beyond my control are also keys to advanced adulting.